Saturday, October 3

Self realisation - utterly nonsense!

You'd think that by now I'd have my sh*t together and achieved most of my life goals, but no. I'm more lost now than I was before, thrown myself in to the unknown thinking that I'd find my way to Ithaka. (Yes, if you haven't notice Ithaka is the only reference I know, sad.) 

Every day, I come to realise new things (or the same things but in different light). I always find myself knowing the answers to my problems, yet again I find myself not implying those solutions. Seeing myself, I realise we human beings are quite the funny mammals. Unless we don't have to struggle for survival, most of us seem to create our own issues. We just don't know how to be satisfied with what we have (I might be wrong and this might only refer to me).

I always find myself seeing other people's problems and wishing those were mine as I know I'd be able to easily solve them. But then again knowing that I could solve my own problems, why am I crippled to do something about those? Are we as humans designated to make our lives painful? Don't get me wrong, I am not in anywhere self loathing myself or hating life. I am just questioning myself as a human, after observing others as well, why do we mostly tend to choose the things that are not suitable for us? 

Like every questions in my head, I have an answer for this one too. For the life experience! I know for a fact that I find myself bored after doing the same old thing over and over again. When I am most comfortable in life, my body and soul starts to itch for some needed changes in my life. That's why I could never stick to one thing; reading, writing, art..! My brain craves for more information, more experiences, more wisdom. But with that; life throws me more lemons, in abundance!

I find myself choosing situations that are not appropriate, then as stubborn as I am, I force myself to stick to it even though most of me wants to run faster than Usain Bolt. Because of these tendencies; I have stories of a lifetime... there are times were I walk down the memory lane and get myself surprised over my previous choices. Is this an addiction of mine?  (And yes, I am pretty full of myself!) 

Tuesday, September 15

My last day of 20 something

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote, mostly because I’ve always felt very restricted to express. But as it is my last day of being 20 something, I think I should at least make an effort.

So far life has been nothing but a roller coaster, learning new things every day about myself or the world that I live in. Through good and bad, I’ve realised every part of this journey has been meaningful and made me the person I am today. So this is a shout out to the people in my life.

I am ever grateful to my parents, moving to Sweden and giving us 3 sisters the opportunity to grow our own personalities and individualities. To my father for always responding back “My three daughters are my sons, I don’t need more.” to the people whom have asked him if he wanted a son. For giving us the freedom to think for ourselves, letting us challenge and provoke his thoughts, for always encouraging us to gain knowledge and explore. My choices in life have not been ideal for him, but he’s never stopped me from pursuing them. Mostly I’m extremely grateful for experiencing his generosity, his honesty and humility. I still haven’t met anyone as giving or sincere as my father, even when he’s been misunderstood or ill treated, my father has always explained and taught me that my own actions are bigger and important than others’, no matter how ill treated I get, it only matters how I act. Therefor my father will always be my idol and my hero. My mother for being our strength, the soul of our family. She has sacrificed a lot for this family, provided us with security and comfort. Even though I haven’t seen head to head with my mother a lot of the time, she’s the one who has been there for us all the time. She’s the one who, always tried to pull us up when we are breaking down and patch us back together. Thanks to her, three of us gotten praises for our creativity, cunningness and beauty. Even though we excel in our own ways, I know we will never be as beautiful, witty or strong like her, my mother is a woman of her own kind. I see myself extremely blessed to be a seed of these two individuals, that gave me an unique childhood, introducing us to diversity and letting us flourish. I might look least like them among the three of us, but I daily realise how much I carry their traits within me. 

My sisters, we are three different entities of the seeds of our parents. We tend to clash with our views and our personalities, even in our worse moments, I take pride in us for being different. It just made our family dynamic more interesting and challenging, it gave us scope to grow and better ourselves as humans and provoked us to change. Apu, the crazy fights we’ve had while growing up, it must have been as frustrating and confusing for you as it was for me. I realise now, how most of our arguments were because of insecurity that society had inflicted by always comparing us with each other. I wish we realised it sooner, maybe then we could have appreciated each other for our differences and not competed for our similarities. You and I share a bond only two of us will understand. You’ve had your difficulties as well, building something far way without any help from us and I couldn’t have been more proud of you for that. Thank you for the joy you’ve given us by introducing Bhaia and Ariana to our lives. Adiba, we were hoping for a brother, but I’m glad it was no other than you even though I lost the bet with my teacher. The times you’ve driven me crazy for making me do all your choirs and questioning me for my choices, even now. Though most of the time I call you a brat, you should know that I am proud of you for being sensible and confident from an early age, I don’t think we say it enough. A part of me envy you for that but then again I look up to you, a lot of my recent choices in life have been inspired and influenced by you. Thank you for bringing music into our lives, you truly are an instrument of it’s kind. Our personalities and our choices in life might be different, but we all have the same traits, we’ve grown into three headstrong, independent women.

I’m blessed with most of my friends, they’ve taken the time to understand me as a person, as I’m known to be quite the intense human being. Grateful to them for letting me love them and adore them while they’ve accepted me with my flaws and insanity. As I always say, my heart is a village and I want my close ones to reside there. Tusy and Munna, you’ve accepted me without judging me once, you’ve let me be myself, let me bother you and then given me the space to disappear to only to find my way back to you two, I’m very lucky to have you two as my friends. Samuel, we’ve ridden a big roller coaster together. Our journey might have embarked with a different intention in mind than what it is today, but even with all the struggles both of us have been put through I am glad we keep on find our ways back to each other. I don’t think I could have been sane these last couple of months, if you hadn't offered your shoulder or support. I am grateful for a best friend like you and looking forward to our friendship growing stronger and steadier. Sagar, you know what you are to me, sometimes I feel that you know me better than I do. I will never forget the day you said “I’m happy that you are crying, you needed this in your life.” and right you were! Can’t wait for us two to be in the same country and sipping our coffees and pinching each others cheeks, we are truly bros matched made in heaven. Ana, coming here and spending 2 weeks with me. Giving me pieces of home and bringing back normality, thank you! Angelique and Daniel, I am forever grateful for your friendship, even though I am very bad at showing it. Thanks for putting through with me even when I haven’t been the best of company. Deshakhi for being my partner in crime, luring out the devil in me. Creating memories with me that never can be replaced. My Asian girls, for letting my creativity flow and feeding me. Bridget, for all the quirkiness you brought along. John and Simon, I miss my boys and can’t wait to get back to Sweden to pick up our friendship from where we left off. 

To the people I met here in Korea; Mark, bro I just love you and all the crazies you brought along, specially Patchouli! Scott, you and Hayeong will reside in my heart forever. Brandon, for taking me out for the first time in Seoul, your presence always brightens me up and Andy Oppa for giving me a place to go to even if I only drink water. I can’t wait to grow old knowing that I’ve met so many amazing people in my life, I am truly blessed!

So I embark my 30s with excitement and strength, looking forward to change, adapt and gain wisdom, better myself, putting myself through new life adventures whatever they might be. Even though I don’t know what and where my Ithaka is, today I’m putting sail towards it. I only wish not to find Ithaka too soon…  

Wednesday, November 3

Red brick wall be gone.

There is a red brick wall standing in my way, not too high but not short enough for me to jump over to the other side. I’ve been standing here for a while now, to be honest I have been standing here for years, soon a decade.
This red brick wall was a hurdle that I thought I’d overcome in matter of hours, but hours became days and days became years. I painted over the red with sunny yellow colour, planted a cherry tree and put a bed close to the wall. I made it my home, even though I know that I don’t belong here and something better lies on the other side of the wall.
Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped trying and have decided to satisfy with less. I made myself believe that this is better than what lies behind the wall, though at nights I wake up to nightmares taunting me of my failure.
I am hoping in vain that someday I’ll wake up to see that the wall has vanished to thin air. But no matter how big the storm gets, the wall remains standing in front of me.
At times I get frustrated; I scream, I kick, I weep. I make myself the victim, treated unfairly by God. No matter how much I lie, I know that I am to blame for my own misery and no one else.

Saturday, July 24

This happens quite often at our home.

While sitting in my room, going through pictures on facebook, thinking no one will disturb me and suddenly...

Sakun, pappa vill att du ska frietera några rolls..

Han är sugen..och mamma ska ut!



han bad dig, right?


Jag kan inte fritera dummer!

Han skulle aldrig be mig!


I suspect that Adiba is craving for rolls and not my dad.

Sunday, May 9

A Favourite Poem of Mine


When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

- Constantine P. Cavafy