Monday, January 2

The embarkment

From today I will stop mentioning how I've completely failed to maintain this blog, how I think every once in awhile to write some episode of my life or a piece of a thought, those of whom that have followed this blog know this story too well, and I keep on shaming myself every time I revisit. Conclusion; I settle with knowing that I write once in a blue moon, whenever it occurs.

We've embarked a new year, a clean slate, to fill it with good and bad stories. But stories never the less, most of them common to everyone, but unique to the individual being. However I live this year, someone else has already taken the same foot steps before me, I will just be walking on the same trail but in different shoes.

But this year, I am excited of walking the designated trail. After walking bare feet on many narrow slippery roads, or on hot asphalts, or through sharp thorn bushes or on broken glass, where there hasn't been any option of turning back but then to continue further, even though I've been immensely fatigue, angry and apathetic... I have reached here; on soft silk with tough soles.

I wish to climb a high mountain this year, where I will be dripping sweat, where my thighs will sore. A mountain that will feel never ending, but for every step I climb, I'll feel nothing but the thrill. The thrill of reaching the top, thrill of floating on white clouds in the blue sky, to be able to look down at the beautiful sight of the world... And as my reward, I will leap, I'll leap down, very fast. I will leap so fast that it will be only me and the wind. And when I reach down, I will be wiser and content.*

*For all the mountains I've climbed in South Korea and for all those morning runs up to Namsan. 

Thursday, February 11

Ode to the colours of my life.

It's been almost 1 year in Korea. And I'm find myself to miss eating spicy biryani with raita, eating my mom's cottage cheese when she's not looking before they become juicy rasgollahs and indulging more. Miss my bhabi's colourful laddus, just thinking about them makes my mouth water.

Miss wearing my saris and bindis, putting on the heavy thick kohl around my eyes and the brightest red lipstick I own. Wearing my jhumkhas, with matching glass bangles and payals, ankle bracelets, that makes sound wherever I go.

Being stressed by my father, who is already downstairs dressed and smelling of cologne, which my mother reminded him to put on. He has somehow managed to iron 3 sets of saris and gotten himself suited and watching segments of a football game that he already knows the outcome of.

My mother being extremely annoyed with us, 30 and still can't wear my sari without her help. Adiba running in and out from her room to my room, to my parents room and the bathroom, borrowing make up and jewelry. This girl has still so much to learn but her liner is always on fleek.

Been having this urge for a while now, to dance in a 4 day long Desi wedding to Bollywood and random Bengali songs, choreographed or freestyle. Dancing with my friends and family, doing the most typical Desi moves, twirls and changing light bulbs, in my heavy sari that's at the verge of getting unfolded but somehow staying put together because of that one safety pin. Having my sisters as dance partners and then seeing my mother pulling up my dad to the dance floor and seeing them goofing around with all the other aunties and uncles. Dancing all day long for 4 days straight.

I miss being colourful, loud and free of worries.

I guess no matter where you put me in the world, you won't be able to take out the Desi in me.

Saturday, October 3

Self realisation - utterly nonsense!

You'd think that by now I'd have my sh*t together and achieved most of my life goals, but no. I'm more lost now than I was before, thrown myself in to the unknown thinking that I'd find my way to Ithaka. (Yes, if you haven't notice Ithaka is the only reference I know, sad.)

Every day, I come to realise new things (or the same things but in different light). I always find myself knowing the answers to my problems, yet again I find myself not applying those solutions. Seeing myself, I realise we human beings are quite the funny mammals. Unless we don't have to struggle for survival, most of us seem to create our own issues. We just don't know how to be satisfied with what we have (I might be wrong and this might only refer to me).

I always find myself seeing other people's problems and wishing those were mine as I know I'd be able to easily solve them. But then again knowing that I could solve my own problems, why am I crippled to do something about those? Are we as humans designated to make our lives painful? Don't get me wrong, I am not in anywhere self loathing myself or hating life. I am just questioning myself as a human, after observing others as well, why do we mostly tend to choose the things that are not suitable for us? 

Like every questions in my head, I have an answer for this one too. For the life experience! I know for a fact that I find myself bored after doing the same old thing over and over again. When I am most comfortable in life, my body and soul starts to itch for some needed changes in my life. That's why I could never stick to one thing; reading, writing, art..! My brain craves for more information, more experiences, more wisdom. But with that; life throws me more lemons, in abundance!

I find myself choosing situations that are not appropriate, then as stubborn as I am, I force myself to stick to it even though most of me wants to run faster than Usain Bolt. Because of these tendencies; I have stories of a lifetime... there are times were I walk down the memory lane and get myself surprised over my previous choices. Is this an addiction of mine?  (And yes, I am pretty full of myself!) 

Tuesday, September 15

My last day of 20 something

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote, mostly because I’ve always felt very restricted to express. But as it is my last day of being 20 something, I think I should at least make an effort.

So far life has been nothing but a roller coaster, learning new things every day about myself or the world that I live in. Through good and bad, I’ve realised every part of this journey has been meaningful and made me the person I am today. So this is a shout out to the people in my life.

I am ever grateful to my parents, moving to Sweden and giving us 3 sisters the opportunity to grow our own personalities and individualities. To my father for always responding back “My three daughters are my sons, I don’t need more.” to the people whom have asked him if he wanted a son. For giving us the freedom to think for ourselves, letting us challenge and provoke his thoughts, for always encouraging us to gain knowledge and explore. My choices in life have not been ideal for him, but he’s never stopped me from pursuing them. Mostly I’m extremely grateful for experiencing his generosity, his honesty and humility. I still haven’t met anyone as giving or sincere as my father, even when he’s been misunderstood or ill treated, my father has always explained and taught me that my own actions are bigger and important than others’, no matter how ill treated I get, it only matters how I act. Therefor my father will always be my idol and my hero. My mother for being our strength, the soul of our family. She has sacrificed a lot for this family, provided us with security and comfort. Even though I haven’t seen head to head with my mother a lot of the time, she’s the one who has been there for us all the time. She’s the one who, always tried to pull us up when we are breaking down and patch us back together. Thanks to her, three of us gotten praises for our creativity, cunningness and beauty. Even though we excel in our own ways, I know we will never be as beautiful, witty or strong like her, my mother is a woman of her own kind. I see myself extremely blessed to be a seed of these two individuals, that gave me an unique childhood, introducing us to diversity and letting us flourish. I might look least like them among the three of us, but I daily realise how much I carry their traits within me. 

My sisters, we are three different entities of the seeds of our parents. We tend to clash with our views and our personalities, even in our worse moments, I take pride in us for being different. It just made our family dynamic more interesting and challenging, it gave us scope to grow and better ourselves as humans and provoked us to change. Apu, the crazy fights we’ve had while growing up, it must have been as frustrating and confusing for you as it was for me. I realise now, how most of our arguments were because of insecurity that society had inflicted by always comparing us with each other. I wish we realised it sooner, maybe then we could have appreciated each other for our differences and not competed for our similarities. You and I share a bond only two of us will understand. You’ve had your difficulties as well, building something far way without any help from us and I couldn’t have been more proud of you for that. Thank you for the joy you’ve given us by introducing Bhaia and Ariana to our lives. Adiba, we were hoping for a brother, but I’m glad it was no other than you even though I lost the bet with my teacher. The times you’ve driven me crazy for making me do all your choirs and questioning me for my choices, even now. Though most of the time I call you a brat, you should know that I am proud of you for being sensible and confident from an early age, I don’t think we say it enough. A part of me envy you for that but then again I look up to you, a lot of my recent choices in life have been inspired and influenced by you. Thank you for bringing music into our lives, you truly are an instrument of it’s kind. Our personalities and our choices in life might be different, but we all have the same traits, we’ve grown into three headstrong, independent women.

I’m blessed with most of my friends, they’ve taken the time to understand me as a person, as I’m known to be quite the intense human being. Grateful to them for letting me love them and adore them while they’ve accepted me with my flaws and insanity. As I always say, my heart is a village and I want my close ones to reside there. Tusy and Munna, you’ve accepted me without judging me once, you’ve let me be myself, let me bother you and then given me the space to disappear to only to find my way back to you two, I’m very lucky to have you two as my friends. Samuel, we’ve ridden a big roller coaster together. Our journey might have embarked with a different intention in mind than what it is today, but even with all the struggles both of us have been put through I am glad we keep on find our ways back to each other. I don’t think I could have been sane these last couple of months, if you hadn't offered your shoulder or support. I am grateful for a best friend like you and looking forward to our friendship growing stronger and steadier. Sagar, you know what you are to me, sometimes I feel that you know me better than I do. I will never forget the day you said “I’m happy that you are crying, you needed this in your life.” and right you were! Can’t wait for us two to be in the same country and sipping our coffees and pinching each others cheeks, we are truly bros matched made in heaven. Ana, coming here and spending 2 weeks with me. Giving me pieces of home and bringing back normality, thank you! Angelique and Daniel, I am forever grateful for your friendship, even though I am very bad at showing it. Thanks for putting through with me even when I haven’t been the best of company. Deshakhi for being my partner in crime, luring out the devil in me. Creating memories with me that never can be replaced. My Asian girls, for letting my creativity flow and feeding me. Bridget, for all the quirkiness you brought along. John and Simon, I miss my boys and can’t wait to get back to Sweden to pick up our friendship from where we left off. 

To the people I met here in Korea; Mark, bro I just love you and all the crazies you brought along, specially Patchouli! Scott, you and Hayeong will reside in my heart forever. Brandon, for taking me out for the first time in Seoul, your presence always brightens me up and Andy Oppa for giving me a place to go to even if I only drink water. I can’t wait to grow old knowing that I’ve met so many amazing people in my life, I am truly blessed!

So I embark my 30s with excitement and strength, looking forward to change, adapt and gain wisdom, better myself, putting myself through new life adventures whatever they might be. Even though I don’t know what and where my Ithaka is, today I’m putting sail towards it. I only wish not to find Ithaka too soon…  

Friday, September 13

Garberas are my favourite

Got an early birthday present today, a bouquet of garberas :) Yay!!